Of course I’m worried but…

Okay, so it’s my birthday, the snow if falling, and Grace is taking a nap – seems like a good time to ignore work and write for fun.

I found this really wonderful quote that is meaningful as I begin my “happy year” journey… “In my life’s chain of events nothing was accidental. Everything happened according to an inner need.” – Hannah Senesh

The first part of the statement accurately describes my own life experience. I sometimes think about God with a huge story board trying to figure out how he is going to get everyone to the people they have been sent to know and then to do the things he knows we will do. I am left with the feeling that he must have been in a creative mood when he mapped things out for me. Just knowing that it took multiple generations of friends, an adoption, and an out of state wedding to put Tim and I into the same place seems more like a scene from “When Harry Met Sally,” rather than anything that happens in real life.

As I watch the snow fall and enjoy the busy sound of birthday wishes arrive in my e-mail box and the occasional telephone call, I realize for the second time since Christmas that there are so many people who have intercepted my life journey- each for a reason – each a God given gift. I much prefer this reminder to last week when I watched Tim say good- bye to his Dad. However painful, I did come away from that day feeling blessed knowing that neither of us are at all alone in this world and truly enjoying the idea of how much Tim is loved.

However, today I am struck by the second part of the quote. The idea that things happen because of an inner need, leads me to ask –“just what do I need?” – Especially in terms of being happy.

I think that can be answered by realizing what I have lost in the past few years. The other night Tim asked me if I thought life would ever be as perfect as it was in early 2001 and instantly I knew why had chosen that time. We had just had Cole, my Dad had beat cancer, we both loved our jobs, and we just felt nothing but joy about where our lives were going.

Since that snapshot moment there have been lots of changes – some good, some not so good. But the thing that strikes me is that I have lost the intangible feeling of contentment – the ability to stop wishing away time until things are better, but instead loving the way things are right now.

Unfortunately, there is a laundry list of worries that cloud my mind these days making it hard to see the sunshine. I think that comes with the territory of being a mom, a daughter, a granddaughter, a niece, a cousin, a sister, a wife and a friend who tends to feel things as deeply as I do.

Honestly, if you are reading this, then most likely you are someone who I am worried about. Please feel special about that, but also know that while I still care very much, I am going to work on trusting that things today are exactly the way they are supposed to be, everything is going to be okay, I can acknowledge my “inner need” to be content, and that it’s alright to go ahead and feel happy. Well – that’s a little harder than it sounds – but I guess I am going to go ahead and work on it…

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Happy Year!

It’s “happy year.” I determined it would be just after Thanksgiving and have spent the past few weeks getting myself focused on obtaining that goal. It’s sort of a vague goal, I know. Not able to be approved by the engineering fact minded self –help gurus who would want something that can be broken down into measurable tasks and objectives. However, it’s my goal and I am determined to do what is needed to put joy back into my life.

For the past three years I have been letting other people, events, and worries rob me of what has been an otherwise optimistic outlook on life. We are not going back to re-visit any of those things. I have lived them all for long enough and am now on the healing end of things – ready to take back what was mine.

Not that anyone would question why I want “happy” back into my life, but for my own sake I’ll mention that I want it back for me. You hear people say that if you don’t take care of yourself then you are no good to any one or any thing else. Well if you misplace your ability to be happy it’s even worse. I tried to take care of myself without being happy and trust me hair cuts, manicures, and whole wheat can’t mask the dark storm clouds that have been left to hang over my head. So I am first doing this for me and then for all the people who I love and who love me who I want to spoil and love in only the way that a truly happy person can.

But how do I make up my mind to “get happy?” The first two things I think I have to do are to take responsibility for how I feel and then to give myself permission to feel good about feeling good. That said, I am going to break it down into a few areas of concentration – including improving my physical health, taking control of my time, and accomplishing a few personal and financial goals that I have been wanting get to eventually.

I have not blogged in awhile. To paraphrase one of my favorite people I was just feeling to down and I figured if I had nothing good to say, I’d best not blog about it. So after a break, I am ready to report in on how happy year is going, what the kids are doing, and whatever else comes up along the way.

HAPPY New Year to everyone  – I hope your year is as good as I am going make mine!

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