nothing good to say…

When I don’t write for a few days, typically it’s because there is something wrong and I don’t have anything good to say. My grandma Anna Mae’s voice rings in my ear, “if you haven’t anything good to say, don’t say anything at all.” And so I clam-up so to speak and stop writing.

There have been moments that  I wanted to write… like when I looked out the kitchen window to see Anna walking accross the back yard wearing one roller skate while picking dandelions. Tim saw her too and asked the obvious question, “why only one roller skate?” The answer came moments later when Truman plowed through the back yard wearing the other skate — chasing Anna– demanding that she leave some flowers for him to pick for mom too.

Grace had Tim and I laughing this week as well. Wednesday night we had everyone but her in bed and we were puttering around in the kitchen doing end of the day stuff and trying to check in with each other. As we were talking we were getting louder and louder and having a hard time hearing each other. We are so used to the constant kid noise that it took both of us a beat to realize it was Grace babbling and laughing — we almost barked at her to stop interupting — so much for my request for “quiet and shy” 🙂

Cole brought me a note today that said “won dollor”  and then told me it was a bill for putting all the laundry away. I walked into the laundry room to find that he had infact put away an entire basket of kid’s clothing totally by himself. I chose not to be offended by his manipulating money out of me and instead, was so thrilled that he had been so helpful that I actually paid him.

All these moment with the kids were made even more special because Tim’s Dad has been having a very hard week. The treatments are taking their toll and he needs more and more care. We are scared and we are worn out — it’s been a hard year. I am scared to think of what could be next…

Today when I thought that neither Tim nor I could take much more without a good cry  — I said as much to my Mother. She took a deep breath and informed me that we were both plenty strong enough to do what needed to be done — we will be just fine. Tonight Tim stayed with his dad. When he called to say good night we talked about how hard it is to tuck your dad into bed, when you are used to tucking kids. Life has been turned upside down again and again it’s hard. I know I’m strong, but I don’t want to be. And yes, that is how I got to digging my heals in, claming up, and not having anything nice to say this week.

So I will go to bed thinking this… True happiness is… to enjoy the present, without anxious dependence upon the future. And tomorrow I will try hard to stay in the moment. not wish away the hard stuff, and I hope, find something good to say.