Anna Mae is hard for me. None of my children are as eager for affirmation as she is. Today, Cole did half a dozen things that he saw needed to be done without my having to ask. When I noticed what he was doing I smiled at him and said, “Cole it is really fun being your mom sometimes, you really are a bit of sanity in my day.” Cole, who loves big words, was going through the roll-a-dex in his brain trying to remember what “sanity” meant, but before he had a chance Anna burst into the room.
“It’s fun being my mom too isn’t it?” she asked after overhearing my comment to Cole.
“Of course it is Anna,” I said in my most reassuring voice. And it is fun to be her Mom, just a lot more work. Anna talks a lot (my parents are laughing out loud right now) and sometimes I just need quiet. We have all kinds of prompts to remind her of this… like, “Ask once and then wait,” in order to cut down on the constant bombarding me with requests. And, “Never say no to your Mom or Dad.” That typically stops the thirty minute explanation for why she won’t do something.” Oh, and here’s my favorite; “I don’t need noise, just for the sake of noise.” That can quiet her down long enough so that I can regroup before putting myself into time out.
Nobody who has known me for the duration of Anna Mae’s life is surprise by any of this– except me. I have never had an easy time with her – if colic was an Olympic sport … well, you know. Tim always thinks it’s funny to hear me say, “Alright, I think Anna and I have come to some kind of an understanding, and I feel confident that we can keep her.”
Recently, it’s Truman that gives me the most trouble, but it is still Anna Mae that challenges me. Perhaps that’s it in a nut shell. All my kids are easy to love and they all have their own ways of melting my heart. However, they are not always easy to parent. I worry about each of them for different reasons. Anna is so independent and smart. I have never once seriously wondered if she was ready to start kindergarten even with her late birthday. She’d be ready to start her two future professions (being a queen and a pediatrician) next week, if only her mom and dad would let her.
She is so incredibly strong and self confident that perhaps my greatest worry is that someday she won’t be. I know exactly how this might happen, because it has certainly happened to me. I know I am of huge value to my family, but what am I beyond that? I don’t mean that in a self-deprecating way, but it has crossed my mind. What talent do I have as a stay-at-home mom that is of value to the world? Will or would anyone actually pay me for the things I can do? Why have four short years out of the “work place” given me reason to question these things and feel so paralyzed by the questions?
I am sure Anna will be just fine, but that won’t stop me from seeing myself in her eyes – all the good along with all the bad. And on days when I find myself struggling to be a good parent to her, I am learning that I really need to be reflecting on what it is about me that is bothering me and go from there. That is both the most valuable and the most difficult thing about Anna – she has a way of challenging me.
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